On one of my backpacking trips to Europe with friends, I understood the real meaning of what was once quoted by Thomas Jefferson: "All men are created equal"! This made me wonder that actually there are some habits that are really common to us, men. And they are notoriously funny.
Here is why!
- Flushing while pissing: Each one of us at some point in time have flushed half-way while taking a leak and then raced against the flush to empty the bladder before the flush water finishes!
- Not washing hands: Most men will definitely not wash their hands after taking a leak. And if there is someone else as well in the loo, then they will simply open the tap to suggest they are washing. You see men are too lazy to open the tap, get their hands under running water, then wash, and then tissue dry it.
- Public toilet queues: While taking a leak, most men do not like the feeling of someone queing up behind them awaiting their turn. It makes them uncomfortable, hence delaying the entire process and therefore attracting "how long do you take to pee dude" kind of looks.
- Nature's call in office: This is a classic. I just happenned to ask my friends if they have the same experience/ embarrasement, and we just started laughing at the commonality. Our busy schedules mean we dont get enough time at home to have a peaceful dump. Result - untimely call in the office. But somehow the thought itself of offloading in the office is embarrasing! So when we walk towards the toilet we start hoping that there is no one there. We try to enter the lavatory as quietly as possible giving special attention to not look in the eyes of those in the toilet. Phew! In case some one is in the toilet, we show as if we are here to take a leak (a supposedly "non-embarrasing" job) or just wash our hands for the heck of it. And then wait for an opportune moment for the toilet to be empty and slide quickly in the lavatory! During the process we ensure minimal noise is made. And when the job is done, we hope there is no body there. So that we can quickly get out of that damn lavatory. In case someone walks in then, we act as if we had come here for a leak!
- Gastric trouble: This gas has an uncanny ability to develop in the worst of situations. We are sitting at our desk and working and "RIP" it arrives waiting at the border - a slight lack of hold and it infiltrates in the surrounding attracting rather funny looks. So what do we do? Let that mortar loose by sliding in our chair such that our lower half is under the desk (a mental conditioning that letting loose under the table will not impact the surrounding environment). So we let go and then suddenly look 360 degree for any changes in neighbouring expressions. If the expressions change, we join them with that same expression of disgust as if "who the hell was that"! Or be the first mover...immediately pass a comment...."there is some wierd smell coming here. Like a "dead rat". And if no one notices, simply bask in the happiness that our farts are odourless...we are a superior race!
Now there is a slight variation to this as well. If the gas happens to exit with a noise without any prior indication ....this becomes dead-embarrasing. We hope against hope that no one has heard it. And to nullify the situation we start making similar such noises ..... like moving a chair or simply clearing the throat to bring some amount of ambiguity! - Gas in the heat of the moment: You get that urge to let go one right when you are about to hit climax in the act. And all you can do is hope that neither does it stink nor does it thunder!
- That urge to itch: Itch on the twins or rearranging that tight underwear - somehow this situation arises when we are either in public or in office sitting and chatting with someone - mostly of the opposite sex. And out of nowhere that itch strikes! And all sorts of thoughts come..if only s/he looks the other side for a second...if only s/he can finish talking and then I can excuse myself out of the room. Some times we simply start ignoring the person at the cost of looking rude; so that s/he moves out, giving us that much needed space to scratch to glory!
Jaydeep Deshpande
